I meant it when I said I didn't have it as bad as some of the others. Aniki - my boss, Yamori - he was tortured. There's no nice way to put it. He was fucking tortured while he was in there. He was the guy who took me in, the first person to ever give a shit about me. I didn't have parents, or if I did, I don't know what happened to them. I don't know what the fuck my birth name is. I don't remember too much of my past before Yamori took me in. I was kinda shoved off on any ghoul who'd look out for me. I was treated like shit for a long time.
But Yamori was different. He taught me how to read and write and do shit. I did whatever I could to be like him, 'cause he was my whole fucking world. I spent all my time in that shithole waiting to get out of there and see him again.
And when I got out, he was dead. Some fucking kid took him out. There wasn't anything I could do, except try to avenge him, but like fuck if I got a chance to do that. I had a goddamn job to do, a stupid organization to serve 'cause that's who Yamori was working for. So I did it, 'cause what the fuck else was I supposed to do with myself? I couldn't die, I just fucking couldn't. Not after I got out of there. If I managed to live through all that shit just to get out and die because I was sad or lonely or what-the-fuck-ever it would've been a goddamn waste, and I was so fucking sick of being a waste.
[He falls quiet for a moment before handing the picture over.]
...I was told that sometimes dead people will come here. During those weird weekends. I spent the first couple waiting for him. I figured he'd show up and I could... I dunno. I don't know what the fuck I'd say to him.
But eventually I realized that I'm not the person he knew. I'm not the same dumb kid he taught how to run errands and wear a suit properly. I'm not the same dumbass he expected to take care of simple shit. I'm not his right hand man anymore, and I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to that. I've gone soft here. If he were to show up tomorrow, I think he'd want nothing to do with me.
It's been fucking me up for awhile. I try not to think about it because it's... it's fucked up. To try to be exactly like him and to focus on that instead of adapting to this place, instead of living my life here. So I... I try not to do that shit. Because I like it here. Honestly? I like it way better than I like Tokyo. If I had a choice I'd stay here. I'd stay here with you and Jimmy and Tsukiyama and none of that shit would ever touch me ever again and I'd be fucking happy for once in my fucking life.
[He tosses the tissues off the side of the bed angrily and grabs another handful. It looks like he's going to go through the whole box at this rate.]
I don't want you to think that you're like... his replacement or something like that. 'Cause you're not. You're not like him at all. You're you and I love you because you're you. But it's... it's been so fucking difficult to sort all this shit out. I miss him so fucking much and yet... I don't think... I don't think he'd be able to tolerate me anymore, s-so--
[And that's about the point where he loses all composure and Naki just starts sobbing. It's a lot of uglycrying, occasionally punctuated by incoherent wails. He hasn't broken down like this in front of anyone since he arrived in Johto, so it's been building for quite some time.]
no subject
I meant it when I said I didn't have it as bad as some of the others. Aniki - my boss, Yamori - he was tortured. There's no nice way to put it. He was fucking tortured while he was in there. He was the guy who took me in, the first person to ever give a shit about me. I didn't have parents, or if I did, I don't know what happened to them. I don't know what the fuck my birth name is. I don't remember too much of my past before Yamori took me in. I was kinda shoved off on any ghoul who'd look out for me. I was treated like shit for a long time.
But Yamori was different. He taught me how to read and write and do shit. I did whatever I could to be like him, 'cause he was my whole fucking world. I spent all my time in that shithole waiting to get out of there and see him again.
And when I got out, he was dead. Some fucking kid took him out. There wasn't anything I could do, except try to avenge him, but like fuck if I got a chance to do that. I had a goddamn job to do, a stupid organization to serve 'cause that's who Yamori was working for. So I did it, 'cause what the fuck else was I supposed to do with myself? I couldn't die, I just fucking couldn't. Not after I got out of there. If I managed to live through all that shit just to get out and die because I was sad or lonely or what-the-fuck-ever it would've been a goddamn waste, and I was so fucking sick of being a waste.
[He falls quiet for a moment before handing the picture over.]
...I was told that sometimes dead people will come here. During those weird weekends. I spent the first couple waiting for him. I figured he'd show up and I could... I dunno. I don't know what the fuck I'd say to him.
But eventually I realized that I'm not the person he knew. I'm not the same dumb kid he taught how to run errands and wear a suit properly. I'm not the same dumbass he expected to take care of simple shit. I'm not his right hand man anymore, and I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to that. I've gone soft here. If he were to show up tomorrow, I think he'd want nothing to do with me.
It's been fucking me up for awhile. I try not to think about it because it's... it's fucked up. To try to be exactly like him and to focus on that instead of adapting to this place, instead of living my life here. So I... I try not to do that shit. Because I like it here. Honestly? I like it way better than I like Tokyo. If I had a choice I'd stay here. I'd stay here with you and Jimmy and Tsukiyama and none of that shit would ever touch me ever again and I'd be fucking happy for once in my fucking life.
[He tosses the tissues off the side of the bed angrily and grabs another handful. It looks like he's going to go through the whole box at this rate.]
I don't want you to think that you're like... his replacement or something like that. 'Cause you're not. You're not like him at all. You're you and I love you because you're you. But it's... it's been so fucking difficult to sort all this shit out. I miss him so fucking much and yet... I don't think... I don't think he'd be able to tolerate me anymore, s-so--
[And that's about the point where he loses all composure and Naki just starts sobbing. It's a lot of uglycrying, occasionally punctuated by incoherent wails. He hasn't broken down like this in front of anyone since he arrived in Johto, so it's been building for quite some time.]